Most relationships have certain boundaries in place. For example, the most prominent boundary in monogamous relationships tends to be exclusivity, both emotionally and sexually. Monogamous couples tend to have an agreement that they will not form an intimate relationship with anyone else.
But what about open-relationships? What types of boundaries do people put in place in order to navigate this relationship structure? Each relationship is different; each individual will have hard and soft boundaries, with things they are or are not willing to negotiate on, therefore each relationship will have its own unique and customised set of boundaries. However, there are 3 common boundaries that crop up time and time again with many individuals and couples I work with. In fact, in situations where there is high conflict between a couple in an open relationship it often seems to stem from the crossing of or non-existence of one or more of these boundaries.
The 3 most common boundaries in open-relationships.
1. SEXUAL HEALTH
When individuals enter into an open-relationship it can be a very exciting time of sexual discovery. Many couples choose an open-relationship structure because they are wanting to explore their sexuality with other individuals, be it vanilla sex, kink, BDSM or anything in between. But in the rush to begin finding new sexual partners, one key element is often overlooked; sexual health.
- SAFE SEX
When you choose to engage with more than one sexual partner, you take on the responsibility of the sexual health of not only yourself and your primary partner, but also every person who comes into sexual contact with anyone involved. STI’s can have very serious and long-term repercussions, and it is for this reason that taking responsibility for engaging in safe sex is paramount. Condoms, dental dams, contraception. Ensuring you have everything you need is part of ensuring you’re engaging in safe sex. It also assists in avoiding unexpected pregnancies.
- REGULAR STI TESTS
Whilst crossing the boundary of safe sex causes no end of arguments in couple’s counselling, STI tests causes no end of anxiety in individual counselling. Why? Because even though an individual may have regular tests, they really don’t know if their partner/s are having them too. Short of attending Dr appointments with their partner/s to hear the results for themselves, it really comes down to whether you can trust your partner/s to get regularly tested. This can be hugely anxiety inducing, as individuals experience fear around the safety of their sexual health. It is for this reason that regular STI tests become part of the sexual health boundary many couples put in place.
3. FREQUENCY & CONSISTENCY OF SEXUAL PARTNERS
This boundary can be a way for individuals to gently introduce themselves into the world of open-relationships whilst lessoning the common fear of their relationship breaking up. Many individuals have anxiety around their partner/s meeting new people and finding someone ‘better’. Whilst the couple and individuals work on their security within their relationship as well as self-esteem and self-worth, boundaries around frequency and consistency of sexual partners can act as small, controlled steps to test the waters of open-relationships.
- FREQUENCY
When entering into an open-relationship, many couple’s will place a ‘cap’ on how many people they can sleep with in a certain period of time. It’s not uncommon for open-relationship couples to have one night a month where they can have sex with one person other than their primary partner. Here, it is important to remember that open-relationships generally aren’t about forming an intimate long-term relationship with another person; but rather having sexual experiences outside of the primary relationship.
- CONSISTENCY
This brings us to a part of this boundary that involves how many times individuals can sleep with the same person. Some couples feel it necessary to stipulate that sleeping with someone a certain number of times demonstrates a more intimate connection of which they feel would be inappropriate. For example, a common consistency is for partners to sleep with another person no more than 3 times. This keeps the experience on the casual sex side of ethical non-monogamy, rather than building a deeper emotional connection which could be considered more up the end of polyamory.
3. REGULAR RELATIONSHIP CHECK-INS
When engaging in an open-relationship one of the main goals is to maintain the primary relationship. This can be difficult given the new experiences the individuals may be having, and it can be tough to know how much to share with each other. Regardless, having regular check-ins with each other is incredibly important.
- COMMUNICATION
Open communication is paramount to any intimate relationship. Many people find it hard to know what they are comfortable sharing and listening to, so this boundary can take some time to establish. Some couples share all details of their sexual experiences with others, some couples share none, and others will share particular details. The most important thing is that the couple sit down together on a regular basis to share how they are feeling and to listen to each other. Maybe they are feeling less connection since opening the relationship; maybe they have had a bad experience with someone else; maybe they have discovered something new about themselves. Taking the time to reconnect will ensure any bumps in the road can be validated and addressed, and the primary relationship can stay on track.
- QUALITY TIME
What are you going to do together that ensures your continued connection as a couple? For some, reconnecting through sexual touch is important; others might want regular date nights; some couples enjoy tv time together; others might schedule in regular holidays together. Including quality, reconnection time in this boundary allows couples to continue building the bond between them, and strengthen their relationship.
Final Thoughts
If you are thinking of entering into an open-relationship (or maybe you are in one that isn’t going so well) it’s worth considering what boundaries you might need. Boundaries are not about controlling your partner, they are about finding ways to establish a relationship structure that works best for you. Consider your own wants and needs, then compare these to those of your partner. What similarities do you see? What differences do you notice, and are there any compromises to be made?
If you would like some support navigating open-relationships please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health