Although monogamy and ENM are often seen as an 'us against them' situation, both sides really have a lot they can learn from each other. Given most of us grew up in monogamous societies, today we're going to explore what monogamous folks could learn from ENM folks.

Yes, it's true, ethical non-monogamy can offer monogamy some really interesting opportunities for self-reflection and personal growth, including developing certain skill sets further in order to strengthen monogamous relationships.

So, let's explore what monogamous people could learn from ethically non-monogamous people;

1. Communication builds strong relationships

   
   

   • Ok, we've heard it all before, right? 'Good communication is the key to a strong relationship'; it's not a new concept that ENM suddenly invented. But what I've noticed with ENM couples is that in order for the relationships to be healthy and secure the level of communication needs to be a lot deeper than we tend to reach in monogamous relationships.

     
     

     Often monogamy provides a false sense of security; enabling participants to ignore certain fears or insecurities based only on the fact they are committed to each other, excluding all others. In ENM these fears and insecurities are often confronted head-on, discussed, reflected upon, reality tested, and often result in improved self-soothing methods, self-efficacy, and strengthened bonds with partners.

     
     

     Let's take jealousy as an example; in monogamy jealousy is often seen as either a failing of the person feeling jealous and something they need to change, or a result of behaviour a partner is exhibiting to elicit the jealous feelings of a partner. There tends to be blame and accusations around the jealous feelings, and only a surface level understanding of what it is.

2. Relationships don't equal ownership

   
   

   • In monogamous society we are surrounded by ownership messaging; from historical traditions of marriage, to song lyrics expressing 'you are mine' or 'I belong to you'; ownership in relationships has become part of the social norms of monogamous relationships.

     
     

     And whilst the idea of possessing your beloved might sound romantic, it can lead to a host of relationship challenges down the line. The monogamous perspective that love equals ownership, in many ways, devalues other important elements of love, such as; acceptance, curiosity for other, autonomy and empowerment.

     
     

     Ethical non-monogamy offers us an alternative; through the practice of loving more than one person at a time, individuals release any expectations of ownership in order to expand their ability to love more than one person at a time, and for their partners to love others. In doing so, they grow in other ways; autonomy, self-soothing, self-awareness, communication skills, identifying where wants/needs are or are not met; all great things to expand regardless of the relationship style.

     
     
   
   

3. Human beings are capable of loving more than one person at a time

   
   

   • We already know people are capable of loving more than one person at a time; we see it regularly with parents and their children, in friendships and families. We know that love is not a limited supply; it grows to accommodate more people. But we also know that monogamy means making a choice between romantic love interests.

     

     
     
     
     

     So how can monogamous society learn from this without becoming ethically non-monogamous (if that's something you don't want for yourself)? Have a think about people whose significant other passes away; this person is not locked into loving that one and only person for the rest of their lives; they are capable (and deserving) of forging a new connection and loving a new person in equally deep and meaningful ways. This doesn't mean their first partner means any less to them; it simply means they are capable of holding that love, whilst also allowing love to grow with a new spouse.

     
     

     It could also be applied, with compassion, to a partner who still has love for an ex-spouse. Not all relationships end with clean breaks, the love doesn't always disappear; sometimes love continues even when we move onto other relationships. This doesn't necessarily mean the current monogamous relationship cannot grow and prosper. This simply means that someone can hold love and good will towards an ex partner whilst also nurturing and strengthening a current love.

     
     

     It's not just polyamorous folks who have the capacity to love more than one person at a time; we all have that capacity. Taking this understanding and compassion into monogamous relationships can result in increased understanding of a partner's experiences, deeper communication, increased secure attachment and stronger bonds.

     
     
     
     

4. Relationships don't have to look one particular way

   
   

   • ENM requires each participant to be open to various possibilities, according to their wants and needs, and those of their partner/s. Relationship anarchy, for example, demonstrates the understanding that each connection is unique and requires it's own specific elements that may be different from the next connection.

     
     

     Monogamy has a lot to learn in this space as monogamous dating and relationships are often showcased to society as having to look one particular way; two people meet, they go on dates, they get engaged, marry, buy a house, children etc. But what if these aren't things you want? Or what if you want to have a long-term partner who lives in their own house? Maybe you live a long way away from your love interest so it has to be long distance or nothing at all?

     
     

     Relationships (and dating) can look any way you want it to, as long as everyone involved is consenting (ooo, transparency and consent are another 2 bonus things monogamy can learn from ENM!).

     
     

     Don't want to text every day? No problems, maybe three times a week would feel better. Can't afford to take anyone out for dinner? Walking in a public garden is a great free alternative. Don't want to share a bed to sleep? There is literally no rule that says you HAVE to sleep next to your spouse. So busy with other obligations that you can only go out on a date once a month? You still deserve to meet someone fabulous, who ideally has enough going on in their life that they too don't mind a once-a-month date; you can still maintain connection through other means.

     
     

     Breaking free of social norms and designing a relationship that suits you both is something ENM folks have been doing for a VERY long time, and can be a very healthy and welcomed shift in mindset for monogamous folks.

   
   
   
   

5. Relationship check-ins are super helpful

   
   

   • A common practice in ethically non-monogamous relationships is check-ins, also referred to as 'radars'. Regular check-ins with your partner/s can be incredibly useful in a range of different ways, regardless of your relationship dynamic;

     • an opportunity to circle back to an important topic

     • raise new topics or concerns/challenges

     • discuss the coming weeks/months

     • double check wants and needs

     • purposeful reconnection

     • containing challenging topics to a specified time so as not to overtake all of your time together

     • practice better communication methods

     • creating space for differing experiences

       
       

       Some helpful tips for getting into this new practice;

     • agree on frequency, eg. once a fortnight, once a month.

     • length, eg. 1 hour, 3 hours. Set a timer so you can stay on track.

     • do you want to know topics to be raised ahead of time, or is in the moment ok?

     • how would you like to structure it? eg. start by circling back to topics raised last check-in, moving on to new topics, ending with actions for the next fortnight.

     • negotiate what to do if a conversation becomes heated, eg. we take a break for 5 minutes in separate rooms before trying again.

   
   
   
   
   
   

Ethical non-monogamy may not be right for everyone but we certainly can learn plenty from these relationship dynamics and the way members of these relationship styles conduct healthy relationships.

While ethical non-monogamy may not be suitable for everyone, the principles and practices that underpin these relationship dynamics offer valuable insights into creating and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships. By making some simple changes we can enhance our relationship skills and foster deeper connections with a partner, regardless of the relationships structure we choose to pursue.

If you would like some support navigating relationships, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au

Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health