It’s often been said that if one enters a relationship with expectations that it’s doomed to fail. The idea is that expectations are projections of our own ideas, wants and needs onto someone else, who inevitably is unable to meet these expectations because they are their own unique person. Expectations are often seen as a method of controlling a partner; leaving little room for them to behave in ways that differ from your own.
However, I’d like to argue that it’s not expectations that destroy a relationship, but unreasonable expectations. Is it reasonable to expect a partner to ring you every single night even if they are tired or sick? Is it reasonable to expect a partner to keep as tidy a house as you do? What about the expectation of regular sex? Or financial stability? There are many expectations we can put onto a partner, so how do we know if they are reasonable or unreasonable?
The reasons behind why you are in a relationship, and with whom, will impact what are reasonable or unreasonable expectations. If you have a friend-with-benefits relationship, it may be reasonable to expect that sex will be a frequent part of your interactions. However, if your relationship is one of lifelong companionship, sex may not be a reasonable expectation given changing bodies, hormones, sex drives, wants and needs over a longer period of time.
Having said that, there are a group of reasonable expectations that exist in the vast majority of relationships, because they centre around respect, kindness and connection. Let’s take a look…
1. The expectation of clear and honest communication
It is not unreasonable to expect that a partner will communicate in a way that is clear and honest. In fact, many therapists will tell you that the key to a healthy relationship is communication. Clear communication involves the ability to raise difficult topics, express your wants and needs, speak up when you are not okay with something, apologise when needed, accept apologies when given, and to always speak in a respectful way towards your partner.
2. The expectation that your boundaries will be respected
It’s so important in any relationship structure that your boundaries are understood and respected. Even in kink or BDSM situations, the ability to express your boundaries and have them upheld by the other participant/s is a non-negotiable. ‘Respect’ is really the key word here.
3. The expectation of autonomy
Ever heard the expression ‘joined at the hip’? It may sound cute (or fear inducing depending on your experiences), but in general autonomy is a key ingredient in achieving a healthy and balanced relationship. It is a reasonable expectation that you will have your autonomy in a relationship, not just physically, but in decision making, forming your own opinions, and expressing your wants and needs. It is also a reasonable expectation that you will uphold your partner’s autonomy too. If you find yourself having difficulties allowing a partner to be autonomous (as many people do), it might be time to speak with a therapist about attachment and co-dependency.
4. The expectation of trustworthiness
This feels like an obvious one, but it’s often overlooked. Being able to trust that your partner’s words and actions align, and that they are a consistent and truthful human, is so important in building a great relationship. Regardless of your relationship type (casual, lifelong companionship, deep connection and love etc.), it is reasonable to expect that a partner will be trustworthy.
5. The expectation of accountability
It is reasonable to expect a partner to own their behaviours, to apologise where necessary, and to seek to do better next time. It’s not okay to twist situations to be someone else’s fault; for example… “I only acted that way because you made me so mad”… as adults we must own our feelings and behaviours and not blame other people. Instead, try “I am sorry I got so mad. Something you said brought up anger in me and I’ve realised there is a trigger there for me that I need to address.” We all get upset sometimes, but it is reasonable to expect a partner to take ownership of their own feelings and behaviours.
6. The expectation of validation of feelings
When we express our feelings to a partner, it is reasonable to expect them to listen and understand, then validate. It is all too common for partners to respond in a defensive manner, or to dismiss what is being said; but the truth of the matter is that everyone has a right to feel the way they do. If a partner is trying to express their feelings to you, and you regularly feel the need to retaliate, argue your own point, or tell them they are wrong, it might be time to chat to a counsellor about building your listening skills.
7. The expectation of intimacy
Now, let’s be clear… intimacy is a great many things outside of sex. Yes, sexual intimacy can be important for many people, but it is not always a reasonable expectation. However, intimacy in some form is a reasonable expectation. Intimacy can also include eye contact, sharing of thoughts and feelings, hand holding or kissing (without expectation of sex), mindfully sharing a hobby, introducing a partner to a new experience, or being vulnerable in some way.
8. The expectation of physical safety
I mean, there shouldn’t need to be any explanation here, but everyone has the right to expect that they will be physically safe with a partner at all times. This means they will not be physically hurt in any way; no hitting, biting, throwing things, physical intimidation or sexual abuse, to name just a few. There are no grey areas here… even if you participate in kink or BDSM practices, using your clear communication skills to express your boundaries means you should always expect to be physically safe with a partner/s.
Unreasonable expectations;
1. The expectation of access to another person’s body
You are not entitled to another person’s body, and this includes sex. Read that again.
2. The expectation of agreeability
It is unreasonable to expect a partner to always agree with you. Individuals are entitled to form their own opinions and ideas (remember, that’s part of autonomy).
3. The expectation of being someone’s main priority
Although in some relationship structures there is an understanding that you will be each other’s main priority, it is often unreasonable to go into a relationship with this expectation. Some folks will have other priorities that mean you may not be right at the top of the list, and this is actually okay (remember, this too is part of autonomy). For example, your partner might have a child or children they need to care for, a job that is extremely important to them as they dig themselves out of financial issues, an elderly parent they care for, or they may simply have learnt from previous experiences that they need to prioritise their physical and/or mental health by spending large portions of time engaging with hobbies/having alone time/being with friends etc. You may not be their main priority, and this is actually perfectly okay; it doesn’t mean they like/love you any less.
Of course there is a plethora of other unreasonable expectations depending on the relationship type, so have a think about your own experiences. What have you found to be reasonable and unreasonable expectations within relationships?
Myth; There Is No Room For Expectations In Relationships
False; there IS room for expectations in relationship, but they must be reasonable expectations, not unreasonable. If you do not like the word ‘expectations’ you could find an alternative and work with your partner/s using words such as boundaries, wants and needs.
If you would like some support navigating relationships please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health