So you’ve heard the term ‘polyamory’ but what exactly is it and why would people want it? It’s become a bit of a buzz word in recent times, and with people reassessing what they want from their relationships post-covid lockdowns, there’s no time like the present to better understand the relationship structure. There are plenty of misconceptions about polyamory so in the spirit of inclusion let’s break it down and bust some of those myths!
Myth no. 1. – Polyamory is just an excuse to have sex with more people.
Polyamory means more (poly) love (amor). By this definition, polyamory isn’t always about sex, it’s about forming deep and meaningful relationships with more than one person. Yes, you may end up having sex with multiple partners, but polyamory is based on the notion that we as human beings have the capacity to love more than one person at a time. Think of when parents have more than one child… their love does not thin out or diminish with each additional child; it expands and grows to accommodate more people. If more sex is what someone looking for, they might choose a relationship structure that better suits their needs, such as an open-relationship, swinging, kink or BDSM, or some other form of ethical non-monogamy. Interestingly some polyamorous relationships do not include sex at all, such as in the case of asexual individuals, or where intellectual or emotional connection is placed as a higher priority.
Myth no. 2 – Polyamory is the same as cheating.
Polyamory is one category under the umbrella term of ‘ethical non-monogamy’. The ‘ethical’ part comes from everyone involved agreeing to the relationship or situation. Consent is the most important element of any ethically non-monogamous relationship, as without it one might consider it simply cheating on your partner and this breaks the trust foundations of any relationship. If everyone involved understands all aspects, they can then choose whether the situation is right for them. Even in other forms of ethical non-monogamy, such as open-relationships or swinging, it is paramount that every member understands what they are participating in and they have consented to it.
Myth no. 3. – There is less responsibility in polyamory.
Actually it’s quite the opposite. If you are thinking of getting into polyamory in order to avoid emotional connection, mutual obligations or responsibility, then polyamory may not be for you. Polyamory actually involves a great deal of communication including the ability to check-in with multiple partners, negotiate boundaries, and work through issues as they arise. Instead of balancing life with one partner, polyamorous individuals balance life with two or more partners; meaning polyamorous folks often become wonderful communicators with high levels of emotional intelligence. Partners generally have a high level of responsibility to the relationship/s because if one person is unhappy it can throw off the balance for subsequent partners.
Myth no. 4 – Jealousy means you’re not meant to be polyamorous.
Jealousy is an emotion like any other; just as you feel happiness, sadness, contentment, pride, hesitation or excitement, you can also feel jealousy. In either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship jealousy is often an indicator of fear. When jealousy comes up in a non-monogamous relationship, such as polyamory, it is worth stopping and asking yourself what you are scared of. Maybe you are scared your partner will love another partner more. Or maybe you are scared you are not enough for your partner/s anymore. Investigating why you feel jealous will help you understand why it is there and what you might need in order to move forward. It may be that you need more quality time with a particular partner, maybe there are some unresolved issues, or perhaps you would like to work on your self-esteem. Just because you feel jealous it doesn’t mean you are not cut out for polyamory.
Myth no. 5 – Polyamory is for those who cannot commit to one person.
Often polyamorous folks are quite the opposite; they have a capacity to commit to, love and support more than one partner. As mentioned above, polyamory involves a combination of strong communication skills and emotional maturity, and as such it also involves plenty of commitment. As with any relationship a commitment to open and honest communication and a mutual respect of thoughts and feelings comes from a deep sense of commitment to positively contribute to the other person’s wellbeing. Because polyamory stems from the individual capacity to love more than one person at a time, there is a commitment to each partner as an individual. So yes, polyamory is actually about the commitment to one person… and also another person… and maybe another.
Myth no. 6 – Polyamorous people have too much time on their hands.
Polyamorous people become very well adept at time management. Actually, my polyamorous clients are among the most punctual and well organised of all my clients. Trying to juggle one relationship with the pressures of work, family, friends and hobbies can be extremely difficult. So imagine having to juggle two or more relationships! Often in polyamorous relationships the partners have discussed how to manage their time in order to maintain connection with their partner/s. This might mean scheduling in date nights on the calendar, or agreeing to particular days of the week with particular partners. Polyamory is not the result of being bored or having an excess of spare time, but a feeling within one’s self of the capacity to love more than one person at a time. And, if you love someone, you make time for them.
If you would like some support navigating polyamory, or any other topic, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health